I hate being told no.
I don’t like being told to wait.
I definitely don’t like having to trust someone else that everything’s going to work out for the best.
So, I must be really good at that part of being a Christian, right?
*Gut busting laughter continues for additional thirty minutes. Like seriously, too long. How it’s managed to with continue without killing me, no one knows.*
*Sighing* Oh, that was good. Was it good for you? Man, I don’t get to laugh like that much.
Seriously though, I’m terrible when I’m told no. I’m infuriated when I’m told to wait, and I behave positively childish when you pair the two together. So you can imagine that it’s been a rough couple of years for me.
There have been two dominating passions steering my life for four or five years now and they’ve been so frustrating that I almost gave up on many occasions.
Boy, am I glad I didn’t
First Passion: A New Vehicle.
I think I’ve written before about my experiences with homelessness and depression/anxiety. If not, leave a comment and I’ll make sure to write that story down someday for you. Part of those experiences caused me to lose my car and it’s been 4 years since that day. 4 years I prayed and pleaded with God to give me a vehicle. He didn’t do it the way I wanted. He said no. He gave me a 1999 Buick Lesabre with over 200, 000 miles on it. He gave me a vehicle that caused me to wince every time I tried to turn it over. I had to trust him every single time I sat in that car and I wasn’t grateful for it as much as I should’ve been. I knew I had to get a new car, but I kept hearing God say “not yet”. I hated hearing that. I didn’t want to hear “not yet”, I wanted to hear “Sure! What model would you like?” I was so impatient. I was so worried. I couldn’t drive to see my family or friends, it was six months to a year in between visits. It was so hard on me, and I kept hearing God say “no”.
I wish I could tell you that I accepted the “no” and waited patiently.
I’d laugh like I did earlier but my throat hurts.
I whined every day of those four years, and I was genuinely angry at God. Why me, Lord? What did I do? Still I heard the whisper “Not yet.”
I tried to save money. I just wanted a thousand dollars. I tried to save in small increments, large increments, silly increments, etc. Without fail, every month, after depositing some sum of money into a savings account, I would pull that money that was supposed to be meant for a car, and shoved it into the leaking hole in the ship of my life. Bills, emergencies, behind on the rent, you name it. And it frustrated me everytime. WHY NOT YET????
Haven’t I suffered enough?
(My privilege is showing)
Finally, after four years, I was given, not able to save, not earned, but given, enough money for a down payment on a vehicle. After a long wait and being turned down once (That is also a story for another time) I left a car dealership with a 2016 Jeep Patriot.
I’m still not sure it’s mine. I still look at it and feel like I’m going to have to return it … but the truth is, after being told “no” and “not yet” by God over and over, and feeling like a failure and complaining and straining against a system that seems deadset against working with me or for me, God came through.
God came through. Not me. Not my efforts (and I exerted a lot of effort). God did it. Not for me, but for the story. For His glory and purposes, and maybe that’s enough of a reason for now. IF anything, I’ve learned some of the secret of contentment. Philipians 4:12-13 (NIV) “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”
Note: I know I said two passions. The other is losing weight and being shredded. That’s another thing I feel like I’m being told “not yet” on. It’s frustrating too but I talk about it so much and I just felt like I needed to make a shorter post. It’s been a while. How y’all doin?